FLY London Women’s Yaya Open-Toe Wedge : What horrible thing have you done to deserve THIS shoe? Are you a flight attendant on a trip to the moon? The saddest part is that these are almost $200. More.

J-41 Women’s Paris Pump : It is a sad woman who buys these pumps. It has all the awful attributes of the clog, and none of the fun of a pump. Add in horrible muddy brown colors, and you’ve got the shoe that wants to swallow your foot whole. What scares me is that in the black/black version of these shoes…they almost look cute. More.

Nine West Women’s Hambert Peep Toe Slingback : Am I a hooker? Then why would I have these tacky pink, leopard print shoes in my closet? Is it because I killed a hooker and hid her shoes? That is the only thing that makes sense! More.

Everybody Women’s Silvia Pump : This is something an older woman buys thinking it looks hip. This is not hip. It is hideous. I would burn it, but that’d take so much effort.  It looks old, weathered and scrunched. More.

8260 Stiletto Heel Pump High Heel Shoes : Did Barbie lose her shoe? I don’t know of any real woman who could walk in shoes that are this upright. It makes me feel uncomfortable just to look at these. More.

Donald J Pliner Women’s Filvi DT Pump : I want to say that it at least has artistic merit…but all I can do is cry out for mercy. These $200+ designer shoes look like the ten buck Dearfoam slippers from CVS. More.

Beverly Feldman Women’s Firefly High Heel Mule : These could ALMOST be pretty, if the pattern on the shoe wasn’t zebra, and the …poof thing was different. But as it is, I think I saw these shoes on Shelly Long in Troop Beverly Hills. Great movie, but let’s leave the 80′s/90′s fashion back there. More.

Icon Women’s Boots-2 Boot : But of course, all that was missing in your life was a pair of denim clogs with a pug on them. How did you not know that?! More.

Brief FAQ!

Why did I include links to the shoes if I hate them so much? Because whether someone wants to buy them to spite me, actually disagrees and likes them, or whatever – there’s bound to be a situation in the future where someone will ask me where I found one of those shoes and I am just doing the work in advance.

Would I really wear none of those shoes? Considering how many cute shoes there are out there, why waste time in shoes that are ugly or uncomfortable? So no, I wouldn’t wear any of these unless I pick up a hooker lifestyle, then those leopard print shoes would come in handy.

Why don’t more people reference Troop Beverly Hills? Beats me, it is an epic film.

What is the ugliest pair of shoes that you HAVE worn? I’d like to say that I’ve never worn a pair of ugly shoes, but that simply isn’t true. When I was younger I had no say over my shoes or outfits! Seriously though, I think I have blocked out any ugly shoes that I once owned.

Hey – I LIKE and/or OWN one of those pairs of shoes you put up there! Well, more power to you for liking what you own! Not everyone can like the same things. I’m certain you’d dislike something that I own. In fact, I’m certain I dislike some things I own. Who am I kidding with that Dolly Parton wig, anyway?